It’s been 3 months 9 days since my accident. Everyday I’m still in shock as to how far I’ve come since that fateful night. It’s only been 3 months but it feels like 3 years. Not being able to walk, run, jump, fly, or play with my son, pup, nor birds has been such a hard thing for me to accept. Accepting what is, over what could be is the hardest part of this whole Ordeal.
What is, is my body has changed. What is, is my ability to bare weight on my feet, ankles and legs is weakened. What is, is that my family, friends, and strangers look at me differently. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my choice. My choice on how I react to all these changes so suddenly. Even though so much is different now, so much is still the same! People look at me struggling to get a door open, or my wheel chair out of my car and offer a helping hand. Maybe out of pity, or maybe just because we all want to feel helpful, needed, important, validated. As if we actually exist for a reason. Some days that feeling is harder to grasp than others. Feelings I had even before my accident! Does the reader feel like this also? How does one grasp onto these, Feelings that uplift us rather than hurt us!
At first I fought their offers! “No thanks,” I’d reply, “I’ve got this!” Even though I could eventually get my chair out, or open the door. The smiles and moments we’d share together as I’d make my way into the store, somehow brightened both of our days. When I’d refuse their helping hands, and try to roll alone through the grass or pebbles along the shore. I’d feel so much more helpless, so much more guilt and shame, as I tried my best to carry on!
Those people that have offered their helping hands have turned out to be the best “single serving” friends of my life. I often wonder if we’ll meet again.
As I felt stronger, I had to start using my left leg leg again! The one that carried me down the hill, the one that is the only reason I’m still alive to live through this rioting hell. Every chance I can get I’m pushing my weak body to do more than it currently can. So scared that I won’t be able to use it ever again. As I feel the pain, massage out the tendons, and push against the resistance bands. I give thanks for every breath. Breathing in Creators healing energy, and out the pain that’s building inside this broken body. As frustrating as it is to know that a slight change in decision making and I wouldn’t be facing this uphill climb. Can’t waist too much time on those feelings. It’s kinda like asking why the sun rises in the East, and sets in the west. As one of my favorite speakers says, “I wouldn’t spend much time on that” Jim Rohn
If you can’t fly, run! If you can’t run, walk! If you can’t walk, crawl! But by all means we must keep moving forward!” Dr. Martin Luther King jr.
It only seems appropriate that I include his words in my struggle to survive this ordeal! Funny I’ve been trying to title this post for a while, and as I looked up the origins of this saying. The words floating through my mind. I’m even more grateful that it was Dr. King that first coined these thoughts for the human kind!
Now as I graduate from the chair, to the scooter, to the peg leg. I’m finding all new ways to strengthen my feet and legs! Yet it seems this country that we both live in, the country and world that we both Love. Is slowly tearing itself apart from the inside out. I still have yet to figure out why Creator spared me from the jaws of the lion, the trickster coyote, but I’m trying to keep hope that these days will bring about a change that Dr. King could be proud of! Those days he dreamed of when sons of both White and Black could play together without fear of reprimand from their fathers!
Everyday I hear the news of these strange days and pray that just as my legs are growing stronger, our countrymen will find ways of growing stronger together!